before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
