the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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