You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
