I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
