Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
