He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
