i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
