They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
