Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
