your parents love me but you hate me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
