on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
