There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
