He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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