My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
