My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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