We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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