I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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