I just saw a hot homeless man
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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