I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
