Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
