hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
