Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
