Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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