when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
