Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
