are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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