worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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