We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
