What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
