he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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