I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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