My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
