My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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