No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
