I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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