why do cheetos always look like penises
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
