the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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