the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
