Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
