bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
