Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
