so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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