What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
