I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
