The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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