i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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