I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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