I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
