I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am one with the molecules
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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