nut hugger
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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