im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
