Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
