I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
